I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Randomize
