sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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