so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
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