I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
