Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
