First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
