Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
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