My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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