you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
