Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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