You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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