everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
