1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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