this beer tastes like vomit already
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
