I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
