I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
