So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
