I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Alive.
So much puke
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
