I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
