You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
