My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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