so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
We are all done wearing pants today
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
