I'm eating all of the evidence.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
