i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
