Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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