she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
