I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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