i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
