well I can't set my house on fire every night
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
