I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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