im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
