dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
