Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
