Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
