have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You ate ashes out of my bong
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
