He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
