I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
