He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
we're so committed to being not committed
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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