I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
