it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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