I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
