K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
