i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
