Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
