i just snorted my name. best moment ever
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
