The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
My vagina just recognized that song.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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