New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
