my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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