I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
