everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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