I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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