if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
