when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
