guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
