: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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