We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
we're so committed to being not committed
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
