It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
