I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
