OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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